Preparing for a wedding is an enormous undertaking and ought to be done with a lot of thought since the average wedding in the United States costs $20,000 – $25,000. However, more than the financial burden of the wedding is the emotional burden, because it is very easy for the bad feelings in a marriage to begin at the engagement.
To start a marriage off on the right foot, it helps that the arrangements of the wedding reflect the way a couple will make decisions in their married life, that is, they should be made together. There are two typical things that happen to wedding planning. Often the bride, her mother, or her girlfriends take over and plan the whole wedding. In other cases , the groom announces that this is “her day” and leaves all the planning to the bride. This second scenario builds significant resentment that begins to poison the relationship, but even the first scenario is not a healthy one because this ought to be an important day for the groom as well.
Why do many couples do a poor job planning their wedding together? Laziness, immaturity, and selfishness seem to be the main reasons. On the part of the groom, he certainly does not want to add stress to his life by worrying about the wedding, and excuses are easy to find. For example, he proposes they do something quick and easy, like “Let’s just go to a judge, why does it have to be in church?” When the bride objects, he can act like it is suddenly her problem to arrange everything because she wanted it that way. Or, he declares that the details, “Really aren’t important.” When the bride comes to talk things over he can dismiss the question with, “Whatever you think,” or the words-of-death, “I don’t care.”
On the other hand, the woman can just as easily allow her selfishness and immaturity to drive the groom away. She can drive him away by relying on others and ignoring him, or asking his opinions but then dismissing them because they aren’t what she wants. Even a groom who tries to be helpful will stop offering suggestions after his ideas are repeatedly dismissed. The bride might be getting “her perfect day” but alienating her husband-to-be at the same time.
“Honey, don’t you feel like there is this giant wall between us?”
“What are you talking about?”
Healthy wedding planning begins with the big things. Couples should mutually decide on the church, the reception hall, and the date of the wedding, as well as certain key things like that date on which to send invitations. Next, it is good for the bride and groom to decide on what is important to them, and focus on that. If friends and family is most important, they should plan the weekend with plenty of relaxed social time, perhaps doing the rehearsal dinner at someone’s house and planning to open gifts on Sunday afternoon. If just getting married is the main thing, they could skip the rehearsal dinner and do the reception with only family and close friends. If the pageantry is key, they could invite everyone to a magnificent church ceremony, do dinner with just the bridal party and family, and then invite everyone to an evening dance or formal ball. Deciding what is important helps them cut out things that will distract from the celebration they really want.
Both the bride and groom should be involved in the details of the weekend at some level. A healthy way of making decisions is for the groom to give his input but allow the bride the final say, remembering that not everything the bride has dreamed of is a good idea. Telling the bride “no” is often a kind thing to do, and keeping her priorities for the weekend in mind is a good way of sifting out the bad ideas.
“He was supposed to have this grass cut.”
It is best for the couple to designate something the responsibility of the groom, whether that is the entertainment at the reception, the tuxedos for the men, printing and mailing the invitations, or planning the honeymoon. If the bride has trouble delegating some area of the wedding weekend because she feels that he, “Won’t do it the right way,” she needs to assess her own control issues. If she is afraid to rely on her groom to fulfill his particular task because she isn’t sure he is reliable, then she should reconsider her choice of a husband. After all, booking a band for the dance is nothing compared to the responsibilities of married life.
It is a very important skill to learn to share responsibilities, to give an opinion clearly, and to trust what the other person has decided. If couples take the effort to plan their marriage this way, it will certainly help them make the later decisions in their marriage in a way that shares responsibilities and respects each other.
2 Responses to Starting your marriage the right way
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Interesting post Fr. Benjamin.
We didn’t know these particular things when married years ago, however I guess Our Lady took over in the planning. We had not a single devotion to her at the time and it was only years later we realized we were married on one of her special days.
It is interesting now after reading your post when thinking about our wedding. We were told by others that it was such a beautiful wedding. I truly have to ask myself “why”? We spent less than $150 on the flowers, I allowed the bridesmaids to select their own dresses – or use one in their closet if they had one they thought would be nice for the day, and we were married in a very plain church (the campus church – Catholic).
Thinking back now on what we did, I guess for a lot of it we simply went with what was happening. Our invitation list grew to a very large number – but in our opinion we thought – the Mass was not the costly part of the wedding and that is what was the most important part.
I would have to add one comment to your blog, in my opinion.
If one thing that is important to people is helping others with their marriages, one might want to consider having them “witness” this beautiful sacrament to help light the fire once again. I would fathom to guess that you have the privilege of saying many weddings, so you are able to witness this beautiful sacrament often. Many of us whom have been married for a long time unfortunately do not get to witness this sacrament in it’s initiation point.
Would it be more challenging to be a priest if you were not able to witness ordinations whenever they occur?
A question to think about is: Do you think the church will ever start bringing this beautiful sacrament of Marriage into the weekend Mass. I can tell you that after being married for many years, the BEST GIFT that we receive as a married couple is “sparks” in our Marriage to remind us of the vows we took years ago. Weddings have always had that effect on so many people – that’s maybe one reason people cry when they attend the special day. And, with more and more destination weddings where less people can attend – or where the sacrament is not a part of the wedding day, things definitely change.
My husband and I do not always care for the party afterwards, however if there is one – great – but truly it is not the most important part.
It would be nice to hear your liturgical perspective on the Sacrament of Marriage being incorporated somehow to help those of us that continually need “sparks” to reignite the fire that was started on our wedding day…maybe this would help those with many troubles in their marriage and ultimately help the sad divorce rate that we have.
Thank You!
Sadly, marriage is often seen as a private matter between the bride and groom or simply a celebration between their two families. In reality, the sacrament of marriage is a celebration in the parish and, in fact, a moment of celebration and rejoicing for the whole church. This is why Pope John Paul II invited couples married in the past year to bring their dress and tux and have a blessing in St. Peter’s Square.
It would be absolutely beautiful to schedule wedding during the Saturday evening or Sunday morning Mass, just like we do for First Communion. This would be a great option for a couple whose guest list is small or who don’t have a lot of money. It would be a blessing for the parish and, as you say, a real boost to married couples who are at that Mass.
People don’t realize this, but it would also be a great blessing for the couple themselves, to receive the gushing of support from the parish, especially if they held a receiving line in conjunction with Sunday morning coffee and donuts.